|Intellectual Orgasms| *gasps* did he just say THAT word? :O

{note: this is the 'first post' so to speak, originally written years ago, so even with recent edits, I keep it at the 'top' of the blog, as an extended description, I suppose. Just so ya know. } 

I've decided to write again. And again. And again. This is where it's going to happen. Surprisingly, when I least expect it, inspiration hits me like a brick to the face. I'm not going to reveal the reasons for each decision to write, but I know, finally, that whatever I spew forth will not go unappreciated. I've renamed it twice already - the original title being the title of this entry, 'Intellectual Orgasms', but I didn't want people to think it was something sexual - because we all know that's a bad word. Naughty boy that I am. *slaps self in face* Ow. Well, yeah - I just didn't want people getting the wrong idea. Then, it was called "Master0fPuppets' Mental Moshpit". That just grew the wrong way on me, like a mold. Or a rash. Like jock itch. I didn't like it, so I changed it to 'Mental Machinations', but I was still not happy about it.
So I went back to the original. 
But, enough about the friggin title.

You may find what I write hard to grasp, or even morbid at times, but such are the mental machinations in my head. These will be my (mis)understandings of poetry. These will be my mental vomit (chunks included! Yummeh!). These will be the things my heart sings to (or screams at) me when I'm alone and somber (or silly, or stoned). These will be my incoherent (or intellectual) neuron synapse firings. These will be what makes the daily me, me. If anyone thinks something in here is specifically about them, please don't question me on it - I probably won't tell you. If it IS about you, feel free to leave a comment letting me know you've seen it and are aware now. If, by chance, something happens to pique your interest, by all means, comment - I'd love to see that someone else can relate or even feel what I write. Criticism is also highly invited, of course. 

Thanks for reading this far, and who knows - you might just find fascination in something you never expected to see.


Update: 12/26/2021 Things have been quite the roller-coaster this year, and I've grown and learned more in the past 7 months, than I have in decades. Learned about myself, learned about love, learned about patience, learned about things I've struggled with all my life. Whether it was good or bad, nerve-wracking or peaceful, I'm grateful for the things I've been given and do not take a single thing for granted anymore. I've learned to let things be as they will, yet making sure I'm pushing forward to be better every day, and taking the steps I need to take so I can be where I want by this time next year. I've accomplished more lately than I have in decades, and realize that the goal is just that - the goal, but life is the journey and finding the balance between living and preparing is paramount. I am not just surviving anymore, nor am I overdoing it, I'm handling things one moment at a time. I know I've got angels on my shoulders, and I'll have my wings again soon. I'm excited for the rest of my life which is something I haven't felt for many many years, and it's amazing. Hope everyone out there had a wonderful holiday season, and is spending as much time with their loved ones as possible.

♥

Rob

[edit: In most of my posts, I will include whatever it was that inspired me to write that specific piece. I'd like it if people were not only able to see my mind, but the little things that cause it to be as melancholy and random as it can be.]

Choices

If they're good enough for you to use them

but not enough for you to choose them

your selfish ass is gonna lose them

Serendipity

Keep your fancy dinners

Your parties and appetizers

All the noise and materialism

That's fun for a while.

Keep the sex and the physicality

The sweaty sheets, the morning fog

The moonlit nights, the star-filled skies

Those are all well and good

But there's nothing like the moments

the moments when

I lay my head in your arms

and you kiss my forehead

and tell me

"Everything's going to be ok"

Overthinking...

 Do the people that are never fully alone, and choose not to be around when we're depressed (because who wants to be around someone depressed, right? *rolls eyes*), realize we're depressed because we're alone, and that they're happy because they're not alone? Is that the same question as, do those who haven't experienced our pain, ever truly believe how bad it is?

 

Clearly, unless we've been through something, we will never know it. If you're happy, and never alone, do NOT take it for granted... some day it could be gone. Get right with yourself, by yourself, or you're gonna crash. HARD. And most of all, be thankful and grateful to those who ARE around you, NOW.

 It's interesting to see poems, memes, and posts saying things like "Fall in love with someone who..." and "Love someone that..." as if we've got any control over who we love, or even why. Love just is. We ARE love. Stop expecting, or demanding things of what we already are - and just BE.

Robert Piazza, Sr.

My Reminder

she wrote my pain like a symphony

and expressed it like a Van Gogh

it vibrated my soul exquisitely

she's my unintentional hero

and she may never even know.

Kawfee

Sure, we can buy our coffee at a drive-thru fast-food place

have it in our hands in seconds, and it's gone as fast

we can buy coffee pods and make a cup in minutes

we can buy pounds of coffee grinds and brew it en masse

and we love our coffee

We can also grow our own coffee
tend to the beans and their life
carefully and perfectly roast them
grind them to a perfectly-set size for ourselves
and slow-brew our coffee
and we love that coffee even more
because of what we put into it

Why settle for drive-thru love
when we can grow our own?



©Robert F Piazza, Sr.

I See You

we all hide away

fearful of imagined threats

that seem like reality

all it took was one look

and for a moment

i saw you

i. saw. you.

for that i am eternally grateful

i'd never embraced someone 

without my arms or thoughts

so it scared the shit out of me

and i hid

i imagined threats

and over and over and over again

you tore back each layer

showed me your truth, again

flawed, melancholy, devious, innocent

yet still hiding

i used to be that little child hiding

away from my mind and 

my elaborate imagination

until i saw myself in you

and you saw yourself in me

the light broke through the dark

and became us

and showed me the truth

i'd been hiding from myself

all along


©Robert F Piazza, Sr

The Way

I'm not the one you walked away from
I'm not the heart you threw away
I'm the soul that absorbed the entire Universe
and finally found the way.

©Alfa with edits from Master0fPuppets

Pink Moon Ukiah

How does one write a poem
when the emotion
cannot be put into words?

Standing By

True unconditional love is standing beside someone, 
through anything, 
for as long as necessary, 
even beyond...
But never demanding they stay standing next to you, 
if their happiness lies elsewhere, 
and helping them find that happiness, 
even if it's without you.
All the while, still loving them completely.

Quandary

Sometimes
the strength I've been given
the energy to handle certain things
the patience to face adversities
becomes so heavy
that I can't help wonder
is it a gift
or a curse?

Through Glass

I don't know who needs to hear this, but
if they wanted you,
they'd make an effort
not an excuse.

I get it...

Ghosts

They'll tell you everything you think you need to hear...
give you all the ego-boost and pride you desire...
anyone can love you from a distance.
Where are they for the ugly moments?
Where are they when the world isn't all rainbows and butterflies?
Where are they when reality is more than text on a screen?
Nowhere.
They may have all the answers, but ask them to show you something... to teach you something... to live something with you... to be something with you... to exist outside their safe haven of masks and deception the internet so gladly provides.
Maybe it's safer that way.
Maybe it's easier to not commit your soul.
Maybe it's faster to get virtual affection.
Where will they be when the lights go out?
Will they sit in the dark with you?
They're looking at you through the glass...
And, vice-versa.
Remember this.
🖤

Words are cheap.
Moments, priceless.
Choose wisely.

ॐ

Cheesy Grin

inevitability.
fate.
consequence.
are these all self-inflicted
mind-states created by ego
avoiding the undeniable human condition
or
do we have a choice?

Yes.

Scarred Heart

You think it's hidden

that part of you that makes you lower your head

the sullen sigh-inducing sad spot

the goading groan-inducing guilty geist 

the pedantic pause-inducing paranoid part...

It's not.

I see you.

I see all of you.

You are so much more than you take credit for.

Adjust those shades and smile.

The love you are in spite of that part

is what lets you shine brightly 

enough that those shadows

don't stand a chance

against love.

RickRolled

She deserved better
and she knew it
but holding on
to that bit
of hope
that
he

*crickets chirp*

Caffeine-Free

Haven't argued with the keyboard in some time now,
it's become difficult to let the keys reveal my thoughts.
They'd flow from wherever they originated,
right down my arms,
into my hands,
onto the screen as my fingers tapped the proper or improper keys.
Backspace would become a habit, and I'd begin again.
I suppose it's because thoughts don't make it out unless they're given the power to do so,
my arms miss their confusion,
my hands miss their melancholy,
my eyes miss the mistakes.
That's no coincidence, they don't exist.
Truths have become my weapons against the almighty keyboard,
and backspace, a long-lost acquaintance.

Quickly

I don't choose to deceive, but I try to believe, 

and when trust falls apart, there's an ache in my heart. 

Our character is loyalty, with trust at it's base, 

when those two are broken, a shameful disgrace. 

I've spent my years open, not hidden, not fake - 

and now I have realized - it's all I can take. 

So lie, cheat, and steal - for it's yours to live with, 

my heart and my soul, 

are now closed, 

forthwith.

Robert F. Piazza ©2013





[Inspiration: Ain't nobody got time for that. 
(I'm too old for, and done with, these head games)]

I Shall Call You "Patience"

Your eyes they tell a story

love lost and broken hearts

yet your words tend to digress

and dilute the painful parts

you never let another see

the safe-room in your soul

and even one that had the key

just couldn't find the hole

I've watched you and I've listened

as they sneak around your door

your eyes they always glistened

as they fell upon the floor

I've danced upon the edge

of that precipice as well

and yet I choose to stand

and beside you I still dwell

I won't be taken by the lust

or the yearning for your body

to me you're much too smart for that

and more than just some hottie

you're a spitfire with intelligence

and those who try are doomed

nary a one ever had a chance

their mistake was they assumed

that your beauty overcame your wit

and they'd have a chance at winning

they had no idea of your intent

to torture them and keep grinning

and you don't ever give in

when temptations do abound

and no matter what the quandary

you always stand your ground

You're a force that I look up to

and I just have to smile

as you dance around such danger

with giddiness of a child

but I can see the inside

the part you think is closed

not a single person enters

in that room, no one goes

you'll argue to the death

of the emptiness in you

but I know that someday

you'll want to share that view

whoever gets to see it

had better be for real

or I know beyond a doubt

he'll be your next meal

So I watch and listen quietly

and enjoy the little games

I won't be one of those

you torture, beat, and maim

I'll stand beside you faithfully

and stay your lifelong friend

and if you ever let me in

i'll be in there till the end.

[She's definitely a force to be reckoned with. Ask around.]

Peanuts

darkly mysterious

she paints a lyrical picture

describing tints and shades and highlights

of thoughts too elaborate to verbalize

allocating tangents of imagination

revealing prehistoric insecurities

bending even the firmest of ideologies

with her laconic whim

inevitably demonstrating verbosity

beyond the limits of genius

exists my literal inspiration

she is love.

Eyes That Shine And Love That Binds

[I wrote this a few years ago, it's quite different from my normal poetry, it's more in story form, but I figured I'd share it. Adoption is a common thing, and a lot of people have the same feelings and emotions I write about in here... maybe it'll help someone.]

Eyes That Shine and Love That Binds

She asks him, “What does he look like?” He hangs his head and a silent tear falls from his eye. “They said he was blonde & blue, just like you are.” She says, You really should’ve told me this a long time ago!” Then he says, “He was also adopted, and it’s said he felt he’d be better off had he been told later in his life.”

“So what else have you hidden from me all these years?” she asked.

He slowly shakes his head no, and mumbles something about telling her that “this would happen sooner or later. “Did he ever look for me?” she asked. He told her, “That would have been impossible. Your name and even your birth date were changed – that’s what the lawyers told us to do.” She replied, “Goddamned lawyers. I hate them! Fuck lawyers! Fuck them with a…” He interrupted and reminded her that just because she was 18, she still shouldn’t have a mouth like that. She laughs a bit, then her eyes fill up again as she began to speak. “I hope you’re aware that it’s going to take years to get over this and to trust you again.”

He rests his head in his hands and sighs deeply, holding back the all-too-familiar desperate pain and helplessness he feels.

Across the miles, another silent tear falls unseen.

“What’s wrong, Daddy?” she asks… she always seems to know when he’s sad or upset.

He hesitates, and tries to swallow the lump of loneliness in his throat. “I’m just a little upset tonight, sweetie. It’s nothing to worry about.”

She puts her hand on his cheek like she has done since she was three, and says “I love you Daddy.” He takes a shaky deep breath and says softly “I love you too, my little angel…” and another silent tear falls across the miles.

Somewhere between the miles, the phone rings. She knows it’s him before it even rings a second time. He anxiously waits on the phone ringing to hear her soft, sweet voice to appear on the other end of the line… he smiles as she answers the phone, and calm comes over him, which always comes over him as soon as he hears her voice.

On the way between the miles, he picks up his pen and begins writing, just whatever comes out, and another silent tear falls onto an aching heart, across the miles.

Some say silent tears are forever.

I may sadly find that out on my own...

I may never get to know you

Yet my love for you still grows

And if I have to go away

To places no one knows

And if no one’s there to catch your tear

And you think you’re left alone

Just look inside your heart my love

I’ve been there all along.

For Christine Marie Piazza aka Margaret Krystal

By Robert F. Piazza, Sr.

4/10/2005

Butterflies

[I wrote this about 15 years ago, and it's published, as well]

Love is like a butterfly

chase it - and it will surely fly away

grab it - and you may damage it's fragile wings

be still

observe it's eternal beauty

eventually it will

come and rest

softly upon

your

soul

🦋🦋🦋

©Robert F. Piazza

Locked

i feel it coming, inevitably

it crawls up like a fog

my heart it races instantly

i race into my blog

the typing instant without thought

yet still i cannot see

so i close my eyes again

why can't i let them be

these futile grains of hope

and yearning in my dreams

the one who share my passions

my fears to their extremes

it's simple yet impossible

to tell her what im feeling

i blink my eyes and sigh again

my heart again sent reeling

she has no clue, no idea at all

that i'm crying like a child

why can't she be herself again

why choose to be so wild

i know inside she's innocent

and truthful, whole, and pure

she'd rather not let someone in

to break her heart some more

if i could tell her how i feel

and kick this stupid fear

this fog, this pain, this loneliness

this drowning in my beer

would all be gone, just history

i'd fly with her in love

to places poets write about

up in the skies above

alas, her freedom beckons her

she pulls away once more

i just can't watch her crash again

this time, i lock the door.

Wondering

your heart can be mistaken

and overpower you

and lead you to be foolish

and stuck without a clue

of how love can just disappear

and tear your world apart

the want, the need, of someone here

that feeling in your heart

without that love, it's all a game

and just a waste of time

and no, it's not me who's to blame

it's you that did this crime

you told me you were different

told me you're not the same

you told me you'd be there for me

yet filled me up with shame

for doubting you were honest

for thinking you would lie

but wow, it hit me like a brick

how quick you said goodbye

and so i sit here writing this

and wonder if somehow

my heart will ever forget you

cuz my head just don't know how.

so tell me now what should i do

since it seems you're over me

how did you close your heart so fast

and decide to just be free

i wish i could see inside of there

to know just how you did it

cuz mine is kinda broken now

i really should have hid it

and kept that wall up constantly

and never let you in

cuz i've got to start over now

and don't know where to begin

so fly, my angel, and don't look back

i want you to be free

i'd rather sit here wondering

than love who won't love me.

What Can I Say?

Intriguing.

Leaves me thinking
Of what to say...
Very curious...
Enticing, in a way...

You've made me
Open my heart
Unconditionally...
♥

Medicated

It's

Another
Mystery

I...
Needed...
Something,
Anything,
Nothing,
Everything.

Why can't I stop thinking?

Ones And Zeroes

Across miles of glass
bits and bytes of thoughts and feelings
anticipating their destination
transforming binary to synaptic
synaptic to binary
forming comprehension
and understanding
beyond our virtual reality
we connect.

Exposed

expressions of emotion flow through my fingers
softly grazing my keyboard
innocent and naked
they fall into place
some have purpose
some may be
exposed to you
for your amusement
take them for what they are
or feel them the way I do
but share with me this lyrical journey
if only for a second
I exist
my intentions are achieved

Instant Message

outside my window
darkness falls
raping the color from the landscape
within seconds the fear begins
invisible beasts become real
peaceful animals become monsters
leaves falling become footsteps
and silence deafens me
alone

How?

Theoretical hearts can be broken into pieces
thoughts can be twisted and deranged
time is only an invention of man
reality is simply our perception
fear is a motivator yet a destroyer
peace is a forced understanding of confusion
happiness is an elated state of mind
love
is
unconditional
undeniable
inexplicable
incomprehensible
yet it is the strongest emotion we have
how?
love
unconditionally
undeniably
inexplicably
and comprehension doesn't matter anymore.

Tell Me Something

Tell me something.
not what you want me to hear,
not what I want you to say,
but something.
a million things
from a million thoughts
by a million minds
start to all look the same-
words can become vacant
lacking content beyond letters and syllables
random inklings spilled upon blank pages
drying up into colors and tones-
where only fractions of intentions,
and minuscule conventions,
exist.
tell me something-
something you.

Truck Stop Napkin

rough and crisp you were
sniffling I just grabbed you
sore noses feared you
a teardrop softened you up
and gently, you blew my mind

my first attempt at a Tanka...

inspired by you, my beautiful tragedy...

♥ ♥ ♥

Solace

inner turmoil stirs
among thoughts too fiery to touch
painfully, I claw for one
barely grasping the edge
holding it as long as I can bear to
burning my mind and my hand
into powdery ashes
sweeping up the last of the days contemplations
I fall to an restless sleep
and dream myself awake
to find myself
sleeping peacefully
alone


[i didn't find inspiration for this, it just happened]

Stars

Under a moonless sky
I delve into thoughts long repressed
picking them out like tissue paper from a gift
falling around me I glance at them
their tattered existence taunting me
painfully I connect the blots
and entertain the idea of expression
without restraint
the idea itself paralyzes me
everything fades to a dull gray
yet through the clouds
a single shooting star reveals itself
ignites my tissue paper thoughts
and pulls me from the cement-like stupor...
I remember now.


[the inspiration for this was my heart]

Inner Child

complacent
under the echoes of tears
behind the screams of fears
hides a patient little boy
unaware of the menagerie of duplicities
stalking his very existence
outside the realm of reality
beyond the grasp of mentality
above the pull of normality
he waits



[the inspiration for this should be self-explanitory]

Scattered

Pieces of her heart
scattered like old bread outside the door
waiting to see who gets to it first
will it be the morning deer
eager to lick her hand
will it be the night predators
waiting in the darkness to attack
or will it be the birds
soaring from heights unknown
zeroing in on their target
silently the pieces lay
each it's own masterpiece
pure in it's design
hardened by time
daylight peers over the horizon
the pieces are gone
and the victor knows not
of the tormented fragments
or their chiseled shape
only the sated disappearance of an ancient hunger
consummated
complacent
complete
her pieces scatter no more


[the inspiration for this was bread, scattered outside my door, and a little bit of something else]

Diagnosis

tell me who I am
tell me why I cry
tell me who to love
tell me how to die
tell me what it means
tell me what you can
tell me how I feel
tell me I'm a man
tell me what to know
tell me what she said
tell me how to grow
tell me 'bout my head
tell me it's alright
tell me how to fly
tell me not to fight
tell me just to lie
tell me she won't leave
tell me not to run
tell me when to grieve
tell me when I'm done
tell me if it's real
tell me time to go
tell me how you steal
tell me I don't know
tell me if it hurts
tell me that you care
tell me you're complete
tell me it's not fair
tell me why I hurt
tell me you will try
tell me I'm insane
tell me goodbye


[the inspiration for this was my roommate walking by saying the word diagnosis]

Across The Miles

[this was written a few years ago, my first attempt at something to put to music, yet I never had the guts to send it to whom it's about, for her to make into a song... I hope someone else can get some feeling out of it - nothing is worth anything unless it's shared, as far as I'm concerned.]

walked out the door and drove

didn't know where I was at all

left your tea there on the stove

the kids, the house, I left it all

when you said you didn't love me

it just tore me up inside

you'll never know

where do I go

when love's across the miles

Now there's so much that I want to say

but I don't want to hurt you

can't find a reason why to stay

even though I want to

but now that i've let you know

i think i should let you go

and maybe one day you'll see

it's not her heart that's breaking

when your eyes won't seem to dry

it's not the love you're making

when you're looking to the sky

it's the little things that matter

the hugs, the winks, the smiles

it's the love that always makes it

makes it across the miles

now don't you go and take this

as a permanent goodbye

i know i'd never have the strength

to look you in the eye

to tell you i don't need you

that you don't matter anymore

even though you've shown

away you've grown

i still wonder why...

it's not your heart that's breaking

when your eyes won't seem to dry

it's not the love you're making

when you're looking to the sky

it's the little things that matter

the hugs, the winks, the smiles

it's love that somehow makes it

makes it across the miles

you asked how you could help me

when i had nothing left to lose

now i'm broken and i'm tempted

but what the hell would it prove?

there's no more left inside me

no winks no hugs no smiles

what can you do to help me

when i'm lost across the miles?

it's not your heart that's breaking

when your eyes won't seem to dry

it's not the love you're making

when you're looking to the sky

it's the little things that matter

your hugs, your winks, your smiles

love made it across the miles...

©2005 Robert F. Piazza, Sr.